Current annoyance

And complete confusion.

March 4, 2012

All righty, I have been hanging around Undisputed for a little while now..and yea, there are lots of things I still can’t do, in large part because I don’t work on them enough. For the most part though I have thought that I was pretty strong. Even before I started working out, I have held an image of myself “well, I am fat, but at least I am strong.”

So, now, almost 2 years on this path…I have found a sport that also seems to be power based….I love working lifts….y’all know how much I love lifting. True, I can be slow on somethings, but that is the beauty of crossfit, right? There is a little bit for everyone…

Well, I go in for some body work…now the guy I see has helped me so much and he happens to have some very strong opinions about exercise. The last couple times I have gone in he has praised the work that the coaches have done and how far they have helped me come since I first started seeing him….then he says, “I know everyone is telling you how good you are at lifting but you know, you are not really built for power…”

Not built for power? Huh? That’s all I am…lifts, heavy hammers, more lifting…right? I know I must have had a confused look on my face. He says to me, “look at yourself now….look at your body now. You are built like your kid…Kegan has your body type.” long limbs, short torso, long muscles…not the power lifting body type at all…..

Uh…what…who? What the s^}#{t.

I look…which even after all this working out, is really hard for me to do. I still don’t ever look at myself in the mirror….I try…All I see is the 250 pound woman who walked in the gym….so I just look straight down at my legs.

DAMMIT!

He is right….I know I don’t have those beautiful leg muscles that I see in CF videos…I know how hard it is for me to pull myself under the bar in a snatch because I am so long….I know the best lifters are former gymnasts…I also understand how late in life I came to this work.

So…what am I built for? What am I working toward…I thought for a long long time that I was really a good lifter…I am not really…the percentages of my body weight that I lift is not really that good…because, well I am still a big girl.

I know my Physical therapist would get on my case about calling myself a big girl…he hates when I do that…

I look at my boy and I look at myself and I don’t know what the hell I am “built for.”

So, now the question is, am I in the wrong sport too? If I am not built for power…how do I power though the Celtic games? How do I get any better? I don’t even know what to think or focus on…

This is more of the same hard, frustrating, work around body image crap that I keep having to deal with…I keep feeling ok about being in the gym with all of you young, sexy, fit people…because well, at least fat old Grandma is strong…even if I am slow.

I feel like crap around this….sorry…

I will keep lifting because I love it, but like many things I really love to do, it turns out I am not all that good at it in the end. So now? What to work on?

I wanna work on this self pity I am feeling…wanna get rid of that….and a nap…yeah a nap would be good….and there is some thing that Crow used to say to me, “be grateful you can move at all Mona, be grateful you can move.”

I’ll get there….I may figure out what my body is better suited to. I may even accept that I have past the time in my life that I can really be good at anything physical. I mean really, Mona?  what are you doing this for?  It is not like I am trying to get on the Olympic Weight lifting team! I have thought about local weight lifting competitions….but I need to put that to rest for a while. I’ll get over myself, ’cause, even though my kid is a dancer and he is built like me….I am not going to Zumba….

mona



Mobility WOD