a weird week.
Sat December 3rd
“Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact, it is an option. Impossible is not a declaration, it’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.”
I don’t know where I found this quote, but when I did, I printed it in a huge font and put it up on my fridge. This week at the gym was super weird for me….I had posted last week about my lack of focus, so the first thing I shall pat myself on the back for is making it to workout 5 days this week. In addition, I was able to do 3 extra training sessions, working my Wendler series for my back squat once and my jerk/snatch work twice….so yea, I guess that was not impossible. I feel pretty good today too…I am still eating about a third of my weight in chocolate covered almonds, but I have decided to turn a blind eye to that issue for a while. One demon at a time.
On Wednesday, I had an interesting encounter with the impossible….the beginning of the workout was those heavy goblet squats with handstands in between reps. I am not a fan of the hand stand. There is something unsettling for this old woman about being upside down. Honestly, this is a move that, unlike my crappy pullups, I have absolutely no desire to work on, practice or attempt to get better at doing.
So, before class…Nate is telling someone how he was doing hand stands in the middle of Rogue Cat, for some reason I found this image absolutely hysterical. (hell what don’t I laugh at) I guess I never imagined Nate doing a handstand before, I don’t really know…so he is trying to recreate what he had done in the bar and he could not do it. He said something like…he must have been more relaxed or something.
So right then, I decided not to give a rat’s ass about the hand stands…the first set comes up…10 second holds mind you …and I just kick myself up toward the wall a bunch of times…never hitting the wall. Second set, the third time I kicked up my heels hit the wall and I hovered upside down for what was probably about a millisecond. I got a little nervous and came down quickly. Third set, first kick up…I hit the wall and dammit…I held it…I held it for maybe 2 seconds…kept kicking up and held it one more time for about 3 seconds. Last set, took a breath, said to myself this doesn’t matter, kicked hard. I was against the wall….I tucked my head…I pressed my hands hard against the floor….and I stayed there…until I chose to come down. 10 seconds…probably a fast 10 seconds, but still… I have known from the beginning of this journey that I would never, ever do a hand stand.
Odd thing? I did not practice…I just…let go. Let go of the idea of impossible.
Thursday was that crazy earn your workout day and my second encounter with impossible. I looked at the workout, looked at the Facebook posts that said no one had been able to beat the time…then I looked at the workout and thought…hell I don’t wanna do 50 wall balls 50 KB snatches and 50 turkish get ups anyway…I’ll just use it as an easy workout day. I get to class and I have a plan…I am gonna coast this one..it is my 4th day in a row and I am tired. Everyone is laughing about the required time. Here is where it gets weird…I get on for the first row….and something takes over…I start hauling (well for me). As soon as I start moving, I want to hit 1:50 more than anything else I have wanted that day, yes, even more than chocolate covered almonds. I hit it a little hard and I begin to fade at about 200 meters….then at 100…I find the rhythm again…tight core, chain in control….I finish… 1:51. One second shy….
I didn’t make it but I almost felt like I did….after I was done cursing loudly at my one second “failure,” I realized that the desire to do my best despite the stories in my head, was a success….was the 1:50 so to speak. The next row times were higher…2:16 and 2:18. During the final row…I found it again…I actually did my last row at 1:59, not my best time…but….I beat the other two…I pushed to do my best.
So..what now? I seem to have encountered this delicate place of practice~coupled with letting go.
I have certain movements in the gym that I have practiced and I just don’t seem to make any progress…I still can’t do a decent push up and I can’t do a dead hang pull up to save my life. Is the answer to let go of trying so hard to make something work and simply trust my body to know how it needs to move?
Hmm..Impossible is temporary….Impossible is potential…..Trusting myself has always seemed an impossible task, trusting my body? Even harder…
Perhaps it is time to let the power that impossible holds become nothing.