December 17, 2011
Recently, I traveled to Pittsburgh to take my son to his first college audition. Penn State!
We flew into Chicago. Midway airport. I grew up in Chicago… It was a little strange, it no longer feels like home….home is Santa Fe.
When we landed in Chicago, by some strange coincidence, I ran into one of my old friends…well..one of my old loves if I want to be honest. I could not believe in this time, in this chaos that I would run into him. Oh my dear Undisputed family…I had an affair this past weekend…I saw and connected with a former love and I gave in..I cannot believe that I was so weak, but I gave in…I reached back toward my past…thinking…I don’t know what I was thinking.
I saw him…no..I could smell him…sweet spicy…FAMILIAR. He called to me…..he reminded me of all that was good about my past.
I found a way to steal a moment alone….I swear..I drank him in….I could not get enough. The pure pleasure. I knew every inch, every smell, every taste..oh god I have missed all of it.
I decided right there..that it was worth it…completely worth it to be …unfaithful. I took him in..
I said..that five minutes of pleasure …I deserve this…I want this…I miss this..
I ate the Italian beef…the sandwich…the joy of the au jus soaked bread…..the pickled peppers…oh god…you feel so good..so familiar in my mouth…and the bread. The Italian bread that is so crusty, yet so soft inside soaked with all of the au jus.
I told myself, this is worth it..this is worth it! It was. Until I woke up at 1AM….sweating, my hands swollen, and my gut…oh jeez my gut. That five minutes of absolute joyful pleasurable eating turned into 3 hours of pain and more time being “cleansed” than I ever want to spend ever. As for the following day, I was stuffy and tired.
I decided that when I was back in Santa Fe that I would take greater care with my nutrition. Even during the road trip back through Pennsylvania and the long airport layovers I managed to eat better. Kegan and I even ate at the famous Primantti Brothers…I just ate the sandwich guts. I realized that I had slowly been moving further from that which makes me feel strong and healthy. I know that everyone has to experiment for themselves….and for me…wheat and dairy just do not treat me right. I feel pretty good this week…did not work out enough, but getting back to eating what fuels me in a healthy way has actually been pleasurable. Although, I think that eating that sandwich WAS probably worth it in the long run. I learned something about myself and about what I want.
And damn…it was delicious!