When it all feels a little too….
Sunday Sept 4
I have been thinking about this one for a while simply because I hear it all the time. In the walls if Undisputed and outside the walls of the gym…what does it mean when we say a workout was hard? What does it mean to you? Sometimes I stay on the floor, or I rest too long during at MetCon or I see stars during a hard lifting day. Yes hard. But if my head is in it…I feel exhilarated shortly post workout… my self defeating talk is really what makes a workout hard.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a week of physical work that pushed me to my limits. It started with Bugaboo workout down in ABQ…200 Thrusters. My god, this was a mental and physical workout. The following day I was so sore that I ended up skipping my Scottish Highland practice. I really needed to go because frankly …I cannot yet “Bale Hay.” I decided I was being a baby so I went to CrossFit on Monday..and guess what I injured my thigh doing cartwheels during the warm up…cartwheels! I love cartwheels….I was so angry I almost left, but stuck with the rest of the workout because dang…I love Figure 8 kettlebells…
I really did injure something so I skipped Tuesday..grrr….. I show up Wednesday…and it is this crazy thing called Arnie…remember? Turkish get ups; Kettlebell swings; Kettlebell Over Head Squats? Remember? No? Yeah…I tried to block it out too….My thighs hurt so much after this one…I went right home an took a bath…even though it was hot outside. That night, I look at the web page for Thursday’s programing and I think…oh cool..I can do that …that will be fun.
400 mt run
15 Back squats
Honestly…I thought this looked great. I need to embrace running and I adore the back squat. I get into class…and Crow, in her special way, nudges me to do the prescribed weight for the back squat…95. Ok 95…whatever..my PR is 225…I can do that. Ah…at this point every physical thing during the week catches up with me. I run..come in for the squats…and I drop the damn bar… EACH TIME. I get really afraid to put that bar behind my head. After 15 reps..I am running…um….really poorly…..but I keep at it. Try to stay positive. As I come in on round 4 for the Squats…everyone else is finished…FINISHED….I drop the bar again…finally I get it into position, do my reps…drop the bar and head out for my last run.
Then the tears come. It has been a really long time since a workout brought me to tears. I yell…”Fuck you” feel better…keep running and come back in the gym and pick up my bar for my last set of 15. Crow looks at me and says, “I thought you were done?” I just say , “No, I wasn’t” kinda nastily (sorry Crow) I am really annoyed..at myself…Crow in the way that she does…Yells at me…” just be grateful that you can move Mona…Just be grateful you can move.” I am…and I am TRYING to be grateful.
When I finish…7 min after everyone else…I am able to laugh with Crow about how she thought I was done and how I thought about just pretending I was done….yes I did think about it for a moment.
I really really did not want to go on Friday. It was too….HARD…my body hurt….my athletic spirit seem wounded…I was convinced I was stupid if I didn’t rest.
Then I looked at the next days workout. It was mine….I had sent in a suggestion to the coaches about training for Fight Gone Bad. They are using it…It is so hard to describe how I feel when I see this on the site…when I see my name on the board. me…..the fat girl….me, the dork….me, the bullied…me, the clumsy….programed a workout that was usable for my fellow athletes.
My fellow athletes…odd. Lovely. Moving. So, I went on Friday…tired, sore, proud and nervous. I found it really hard and worth doing…worth doing.
So…hard…yes. That week was particularly hard on my physically…but also really exciting. I have kept sending in programing suggestions for FGB and since I am unable to do the workout on the 17th; I feel like it is my way of contributing to all of you who are doing it.
Thanks….for letting me be who I am…in this gym.