More bizarre observations through the lens of my unhealthy self….
pain in my……
Sat Sept 24th 2011
So, when I started this quest of mine…this quest for health….I used to imagine that I would feel great all the time.
IF…(I had a long list of ‘ifs”):
If I lost 100 pounds
If I was skinny
If I fit into a size 10
If I was attractive
Any of these things would create this magical new skin that I could place over my body and feel no pain.
Now that some of these things have shown up through all of the sweat and tears I could muster, I am still in pain. A different kind of pain…but still. I really thought that fit people, healthy people felt great all of the time. What I see now, not only in myself but on the throwing field, in the gym is all sorts of pain.
I am sore most of the time. Really. Now, for a while I thought…,”This is what I get for being so lazy for so long, this is the price I pay for starting to workout in middle age.”
Well, I was watching some of the dudes I throw with on Saturday….I watch Crow and Heather and Phil…they have issues too…they are sore or they don’t feel great or they get injured. The difference is they work around it~work through it~push beyond it.
I am learning to like the new pain I feel….unlike two years ago, when I was in pain because my knees hurt from the extra weight, or my back hurt, or I gave up on a hike because I couldn’t breathe..now the pain I feel is from pushing myself. From tearing and rebuilding the muscles that I finally have in my arms. From throwing weight above my head on the competition field. The pain of growth.
I still beat myself up a bit. Who doesn’t? But I am working on that pain now too. Since the physical pain has shifted~I am trying to examine the emotional pain through the same lens of growth. I am also learning~again~that there is no end point on this journey…until I die that is. I have always known that in my head but never really begun to accept that in my heart or soul or whatever you want to call it. I also know that it can end at any time…THAT I have understood and honestly been frozen by sometimes.
Those old “goals” of a number on the scale or a dress size were not really goals…I saw them as an end point, a destination…everything thing in my life will be great when….sort of thing. Now I see goals as guide posts, road signs along the path.
So, right now, as long as I stay healthy…I shall continue to throw things, because it seems to feed growth and pain in both of these areas. I will also work at pushing through to some new physical places in CrossFit…PUSH UPS!
I had no idea I could feel good and have pain at the same time.
And um…look pretty cool in a kilt too…