when you walk through that door…..
who do you see?
Sat. August 12 2011
I have had three experiences recently have have confused me. First….upon my return from my first set of travels to Oklahoma, Heather and Crow both gave me such a broad homecoming welcome that I swear my heart grew three sizes. Secondly, upon my return to Oklahoma to bring my lovely coach Uwem an Undisputed shirt….I had a hug and a smile so big from my coach and the other Oklahomans, so big my heart nearly broke. Thirdly, I received praise from the trainer for the Scottish highland games that was so unexpected that it both made my heart expand and made it break a little.
I have always looked upon people who are able to turn a room toward them with such awe. What is it within a person that makes other desire to be near them? I could never understand that, I could see it, but not know what it was. Is it as simple as liking oneself?
Then these three moments…..odd…uncomfortable….UNWORTHY…ah I get it now…I was never happy to be with me before…so why should anyone else be happy to see me? What has shifted for me? Have I become more comfortable with me; allowing others to see qualities in myself that I am only now beginning to discover? Is it possible that a simple thing like MOVING, like exercise, like Crossfit: has finally….in mid-life…..shown me that I am worth spending time with?
Hell yes…all this movement is NOT simple, all of this pushing past what we think we are capable of doing is NOT simple, all of this support of the impossible is NOT simple….It is hard and frustrating and most importantly amazing to both see in others and experience in ourselves.
This work makes me worthy of those smiles: those hugs: those greetings…that I see no where else in my life.
I have never been happy to see myself show up before….THAT is the key. I swear that nothing else is worth my time any more
I finally know that *I * am worth my time. I have shown up…and dammit…I am so happy to be here.